8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
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I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I didn’t come here to be called names
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*