“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
😂😂
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Extremely relatable.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Did my cat write this
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”