I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.