4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !