Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
i smell a pulitzer
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie