ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not