A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.