Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Noted.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?