Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
You Might Also Like
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
oh my gosh!!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.