3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
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Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
my name if I was in the mob
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?