*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
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Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
choose your fighter
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
No. He’s not coming out to play
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you