[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
welcome back
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
fly smarter, not harder
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
selfie game
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned