*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
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therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.