i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
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[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
This is I, Robot all over again
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.