My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.