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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The French word for sex is croissant.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..