meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”