Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”