10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
do horses think humans are hats
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.