back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.