Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
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mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians