Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN