Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…