I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*