Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*puts words between two asterisks*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
why isn’t he texting back
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.