me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
tinder is all about the long game
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus