them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit