Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
You Might Also Like
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
This is me
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.