Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me: