A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
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[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
LOOOOOOL
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down