This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Ah yes. The three genders
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.