Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.