[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one