All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
181.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
So creative 😂
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Chemical wingman
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom