What Bob, you’re interrupting.
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo