Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣