[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?