I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.