I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.