“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
#NoRestForTheWicked
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.