When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
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16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*