[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
OMG 🤣🤣
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.