*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention