[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
me as a parent
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?