Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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Just me and my debit card against the world
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Put the is in disheveled
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Dance like you’re not the father
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.