Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
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I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car