Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.