you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.