when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.