*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
anyone else like Italian cereal
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.